


Before I Die

by Maymaaike



Series: Before/ After I Die [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Sad, angsty, not too many tags because I don't want to spoil, sick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-16
Updated: 2013-09-16
Packaged: 2017-12-26 19:01:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/969191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maymaaike/pseuds/Maymaaike
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Please, let me have this. Let me have this ring. It's gonna be so hard when you're gone, please let me have something to hold on to. I don't know if I can survive without you, please let me have a bit of you with me."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Before I Die

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! First work up here, let me know what you think of it! X

Frantic knocks on my door alarm me immediately. Part of me already knows who it is, but the other part just hopes it's somebody else. Let it be a homeless man, begging for a place to stay. Let it be an annoying kid who will run away before I've opened the door. Let it be a robber who steals my money. Just not him, he doesn't deserve it. But as I open the door I meet the boy I didn't want to see. He falls into my arms as a mess of limbs, tears, sobs and coughs.

It's been a relatively long time, but it feels like it's the hundredth time. I shut the door with my foot as I move towards my couch with the crying boy in my arms. His cinnamon hair flat and his usually beaming face a mess of snot and tears. I manage to get us both up on the couch and hold the older boy for what seems like an eternity, violent coughs wracking his small body. Older... I hate to use that word nowadays. Yes, he's older than me, but he's not old. He's not old enough to deal with this, none of us are. I force my focus back on the current situation, listening intensely as I notice his sobs turning into words. "H-he...he...I-" I silence him softly, noticing he's not able to form words yet. "It's okay, cry. I'm here to catch your tears. Just cry, you rarely ever do while you're allowed to more than ever. I know, we all know you're having a terrible time so it's okay, cry. Cry your tears dry." I whisper to him, rocking us back and forth slowly. I sometimes wonder when I will get hit by the impact of it all, it'll probably be an aftershock. I've always been the serious one out of us five, the 'daddy' that cared for everybody. I still am. But it's not always a good thing. For one, I'm not good at dealing with stuff. I can deal with other people's stuff and help them, but I'll never think about it again afterwards. This time I know I can't do that, this involves me in so many ways I shouldn't hold back. But it's something I can't control, a habit I guess.

Blue eyes look up into mine, bloodshot and dull. "It's-s not f-fair." He stutters. I see the small bits of anger weave into his eyes as I have so many times before. "No, it's not." I agree, waiting for his rant to start. But to my surprise, it subsides. The boy seems to shrink and he lays his head on my shoulder in defeat, the terrible sound of his coughs echoing through the room. I run my hand through his hair, I know it comforts him although it comforts him more when he does it. We stay silent for a while, the broken boy next to me softly whimpering every now and then. "I love him." He suddenly whispered, causing my heart to shrink painfully. "I know you do." I whisper back at him, wincing slightly as he roars yet again. "I finally found him, he's it. The one." He continues, voice raw and hoarse. I slip my arm around his small waist, biting my lip as I remind myself how much weight he has lost. "Yes." I reply. "He is." The weak boy sobs once. "I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with him." His voice is so fragile that I nearly breaks from just speaking. "I wanted to have a family with him, love him forever," -Cough- "but now I can't even kiss him anymore." I look down sadly, softly squeezing his hand. "I don't deserve this!" He suddenly calls out, sitting up straight. "I was supposed to never grow up until I wanted to," -Cough- "Until we would both grow up and grow old" -Cough- "Together!" The small boy doubles over in a fit of coughs which was expected after this outburst. I softly rub his shaking back, guiding him through the attack. I grab the tissues from the coffee table as I see the blood on the boy's hand. I wipe it away swiftly and dab his face with it as well to clean him up a bit. The pained boy lets his head fall into his hands as he softly cries.

I open my mouth to say something but get cut off by my phone ringing. I grab it and hear the expected voice at the other line. "Liam! He's gone! I just went out for a quick errand for ten minutes and now he's gone!" "Calm down! He's with me, he's okay. I got him." I quickly interfere before the voice can really get panicked. "Thank God. I'll get him." The voice sighs. "No! Don't hurry, take your rest. I got him." I assure. "Really? Thank you so much. I'll stop by later then, tell him I love him." I can just imagine how he's running his hands through his curly mess of hair, like he always does when he's worried. "I will." I smiled before hanging up. "Was that him?" The shaking boy's raspy voice asks me. "He loves you." I smiled at him. The boy sighs sadly. "I wish I could tell him that every day." He says as he falls back into my embrace. I wipe the hair from his forehead as I lean back against the couch with the boy resting against my chest. "You know, you've got time. You can still do the things you want to do." I say softly, my lips right next to his ear. The boy sighs again. "Nothing is fun anymore." He whispers. "Things can be fun if you make them." I say, lifting the boy off my chest and walking over to a cupboard. I fetch a notebook and a pen from it and hand it to the sad little lad. "Write it down. Write down what you still want to do and we'll try to do them all." I nod encouragingly as the boy looks at me. He bites his lip and coughs into his elbow before bending over the paper and moving his pen along.

The doorbell rings and I stand to get the door, leaving the softly coughing boy curled up on my couch. The familiar mop of curls comes into sight as I open the door. I smile softly and let him in. "What was it this time?" He asks, voice showing how emotionally drained he is. "Did he want to leave me again?" Green eyes pierce mine, a look of despair in them. "No, he didn't even mention that you deserve better or something like that. He was just sad, he wants to live happily ever after with you." I explain, pulling the younger boy into a hug. He puffs shaky breaths into my neck, body trembling as he tries to hold the tears back. I tighten my grip as if I'm trying to hold him together. He can't break down, even though he should be able to. He's too young to hide, he should be allowed to cry. But he has to hold it in, be strong for his boyfriend. He can only let it out when we're alone. -Cough- "Is he there?" A weak voice comes from my living room. The boy pries out of my embrace and walks over to the couch. "Yeah, I'm here." He smiles. The ill boy scrambles off the couch and the lovers form a tight hug. "I'm sorry I ran off, I didn't mean to scare you." I lean against the wall to watch it all, slightly jumping at the coughs that follow the soft words. I'll never get used to that terrible sound. "It's okay, are you okay now?" The younger boy asks, carding his fingers through his boyfriend's hair. I see the weak boy nod into his chest.

"What did you guys do?" The curly lad asks as I see him eye the notebook. Coughing, the boy makes his way over to the couch, followed by his younger boyfriend. They both sit down and surprisingly, the notebook is being closed and put away. "We thought of" -Cough- "of things to do." The emaciated boy explains, as the other wipes his bloodied hand clean. A soft smile plays on both of their lips, they're both happy as long as they are together. "Really? Like what?" He asks, voice soft but also bright. "Like... going to that park we always went to with some Nandos and we could make music and sing like we always used to do." It surprised me he survived through the sentence without interruptions, but instead the boy wracks his frame afterwards. "I've made a whole list." His raspy voice adds, sounding a bit like a proud toddler who's showing his mom a drawing. It stings, the older boy always has been so childish, he still is. "A list? Can I see it?" The younger lad's voice however sounds much more mature, he has grown up really fast in the past months. It also stings to see that. "No!" The boy calls out, coughing loudly as he holds the notebook out of reach for his boyfriend. "Why not?" The curly boy asks confused. "It's personal..." The other boy whispers. "If you're not showing them, how can we do them?" The boy cocks an eyebrow as he reaches for the notebook. It moves away from his grasp, a playful smirk appearing on both of their faces. They stumble and wrestle to get a hold of the notebook and I watch with a happy smile. They can still be their usual silly selves, they still are best friends and lovers at the same time. They still have that perfect relationship, it's never gonna change.

Eventually, the stronger boy has the notebook, holding his boyfriend at safe distance with his other arm. The skinny lad complains loudly, trying to stop the green eyes from reading. I don't know why, but he didn't let me read the list either. I watch intently as the emerald eyes swipe over the list of whishes. He's wearing a big smile, sometimes dropping a bit, but regaining it quickly. "Please, stop." The other boy pleads softly. "It's stupid, we can never do that. Stop." The grasp on the small boy falls as the curly lad lowers the booklet. He's staring into space before slowly glancing over to his boyfriend. "I'm sorry, you weren't suppose to read it I-" He gets pulled into a hug, lips pressing to his forehead as the notebook drops onto the floor. I slowly bend down and grab it, my eyes scanning over the page.

Before I die  
1\. Have a lads night like we did every Saturday  
2\. Kiss His lips one last time  
3\. Go to the park with Nandos and music  
4\. Go to an amusement park (the one with the big Ferris wheel)  
5\. ~~Start a family and live happily ever after~~    
6\. Go back to that little quiet restaurant with the five of us  
7\. Write letters to my sisters and mom  
8\. Watch all our old video diaries with the five of us  
9\. Relive our first date  
10\. Marry him

I let out a big sigh. All of these things have to do with reliving memories, it'll be so hard to go back to the places we always went to for the last time. I bite my lip as I read the last wish. I understand why he didn't want his boyfriend to see it. They can't, they're 19 and 17. It's actually sort of illegal for them to even date. I look back up to the couple, tightly wrapped up in each other. "It was stupid, sorry." The small boy whispers. "It's not. It's what you want." His boyfriend whispers back, soft caressing his shoulder. "We've only dated for about a year, it's just stupid for me to think about that." The coughing boy sulks. "Plus, you're too young." I sit down on the chair next to the couch, silently eyeing the sweet lovers. "But what if I want to?" The younger boy asks, sitting up straight to look into his boyfriend's eyes. "What?" He asks confused. "What if I want to marry you?" The curly boy explains softly. A silence falls in the room.

"No."

The plain answer falls from his lips, being followed by a salvo of coughs. "But I love you." The other boy counters. "No. I'm not letting you become a widower at 17." The words cut through the air and into all of us. "I don't care!" The boy calls out. "I love you and I want to spend the most important day of our lives with you." He pierces the cerulean eyes desperately. "I want to have ring around my finger to remind me that you loved me, that you'll always love me." He whispers hoarsely. The other boy shakes his head warily. "You need to move on, you can't if you have that ring." He says softly. I bite my lip as I hear the words leave the ill boy's lips. "You need to move on after I'm gone, find someone new." A shiver runs down my spine, these words make it all so close, so real. "Don't say that!" The younger boy cries out. "Don't you fucking dare to say that!" He yells, roughly wiping his eyes. "I love you! I will never find someone as perfect as you! I will never move on! You can't tell me to move on from the love of my life!" The boy falls down on the couch as a crying mess. I see tears brim in the older boy's eyes as well. Only right now does he really look older, wiser. After minutes of silence, only broken by sobs from the younger and coughs from the older boy, the curly headed lover calms down and sits back up straight. His eyes bore right into his boyfriend's. "Please, let me have this. Let me have this ring. It's gonna be so hard when you're gone, please let me have something to hold on to. I don't know if I can survive without you, please let me have a bit of you with me." He pleads, voice trembling and face desperate. The older boy reaches out to wipe the tears away from his cheeks.

"...I-I don't know what to do..." He mumbles. I can hear they are both choking back tears. "I want this," The younger boy sobs. "you want this too." I can see the older boy's face soften and that's when I know he's gonna agree. A smile already plasters on my face. "Just think about how amazingly sexy I look in a tux." The curly lad chuckles. The blue eyed boy laughs, a truly melodic sound, and grabs his boyfriend's hands.

The stare into each other's eyes deeply before I see a slight nod coming from the older boy. "Okay." He whispers. Big smiles spread on both of their faces before they wrap each other in their arms securely. An idiotic grin is plastered on my face as I grab the phone to tell our two other best friends. As I walk towards the kitchen I hear a soft exchange of words.

"I love you Boobear."  
"I love you too Hazza."


End file.
